i’m uncomfy (and that’s okay)

     Hiya,

     Hope you’re all eating your vegetables, folks. Have some water too, or tea:)

     The other day I noticed that the verses that were jumping out at me were not very firework-y. the words that I went to underline were the little parts in between the big showy scenes in stories–the pieces that string all the big parts together. One of those little connecting sentences that says what time it was or how many miles someone walked or something. Not the stuff they put on stickers. And I started thinking about how that’s sort of what I feel like right now. I’m in this sort of in-between season, where I know there are good things coming for me, and I’m excited for them, but like. They’re not here yet.

     I have no problem admitting that it hasn’t been easy. This chapter of my life where it feels like nothing and everything is happening, everything and nothing is changing, and the next season, next chapter, next moment is awkwardly near and uncomfortably far away. To speak more graphically, it makes me want to break my arms off and throw them out a window. Or something.

     And I bet I know what you’re thinking!

     You’re thinking, “sounds like a dramatic case of senioritis, yikes, calm down.” and yea, you’re probably right. A senior currently trudging through the last remaining bits of the schoolyear, devoid of hope some days and overflowing with it on others, downing knowledge (and tea) late at night and waking up to piles strewn about the floor in what was thought to be an organized manner only six hours ago–there simply seems no other explanation.

     I must admit that I now feel a notch more of respect for every human being ever. In moments of restlessness I can’t help but think: why does no one talk about this..? What with the pandemic and other random but still significant things, I don’t know how anyone my age could possibly be going through this without some sort of breakdown or episode of casual mental hysterics.

      It feels like I’m venting but I have a point to all this, I promise:)

      God has been teaching me lately that all of our seasons are valid. Life has chapters and sometimes those chapters are longer or shorter than their fellows. Some seasons are hard and confusing, and some are breezy. Some are full to the top with favor and flourishing. Some are long, drawn out times of waiting, particularly hard work, and learning. 

      Senioritis or not, I am most certainly in the middle of one of these harder, longer In-Between seasons.

      A week ago, in a moment of fervor, I decided to blatantly double my homeschool workload in order to finish faster and have a few weeks of “recovery time” before my life Basically Starts at the end of May. Have I had a few spontaneous breakdowns whilst surrounded by comically high piles of economics homework, support letter preparations, and various random camping equipment brought in from the depths of the garage? Yes, yes I have. But am I two weeks closer to graduating, and thus two weeks closer to basically the beginning of what is about to be a huge year for me? Perhaps even the beginning of the rest of my life? Yes, that too:)

      Even though they are difficult and stressful, I’ll probably be glad I had these hard chapters, because they stretch me and make me grow, and who doesn’t like a growth spurt? And then, when the season you’ve been waiting for comes, I imagine it feels even more deserved than if you hadn’t had a time of learning (or sitting around getting stressed about the future) first. It’s not only teaching me endurance, but also faith, and being able to trust that God provides for me and has a plan for me and wants to teach me. In particularly restless moments, that’s become a nice little nugget of encouragement for me–that at least someone knows what they’re doing, and maybe it’s not for nothing.

      As I have begun to prepare for the World Race–gathering gear, figuring out which backpack is going to be my turtle shell for nine months, getting to know my fellow racers, and other slightly anxiety inducing/really exciting things–I have more than once gone into random spirals of stress. Sometimes just thinking about all the things I have to research and resources I need to remember to ask for makes me want to cannonball into a wormhole, not to mention keeping up with fundraising, trying to pass speech class, and staying creatively productive and afloat so that I don’t drown in myself (like one does). Even though I often feel it should be something that I am confident of, I have to remind myself constantly that I don’t have to stress about all this. It’s in God’s hands, as long as I do my best and do my part. I have to stop and breathe and remind myself that God is way bigger than the issue of how many different types and brands of sleeping bags there are in existence.

      And so, in the midst of what seems ultimately like a disaster on caffeine, I have managed to see the beauty and general significance of seasons like these, and not to take them entirely for granted:) 

      “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” -Ecclesiastes 3:1

      🙂